are a deeply religious people and most belong to a church, or are supported by
one. The most dominant religion is Baltic Orthodox,
a local form of worship very similar to Catholicism (except that Catholics long
ago dismissed the concept of the world being flat). Baltic Orthodox congregations
may also smoke in church. This religion dates back thousands of years and local
believers will proudly tell you that one of the two robbers crucified next to
Christ was infact from Molvania.
Fyodor was born in 1507 to a family of wealthy Molvanian landowners. At the age
of just four he amazed church elders by drinking an entire vat of communion
wine. It was a religious feat he was to repeat many times later in life. From
his mother Fyodor inherited a quiet manner and pious devotion to God. From his
father he inherited gout. Fyodors first period of devotion began when, as
a 10-year-old, he was sent to help his family run their farm but refused to take
part, saying it was Gods will that he remain inside to pray and meditate.
Such was his devotion to this task that the young man would only come out for
meals and public holidays. During these periods he would often fast for up to
three hours at a time, dedicating his discomfort to the Lord.
was a man of many contradictions. When his fathers house burnt down, he
remarked that he did not mind as material belongings meant nothing to him. Yet
a few weeks later he almost clubbed a man to death for stealing his lute
in what theologians believe must have been a fit of religious fervour.
great friend of the poor, Fyodor took particular interest in young single women
and could often be seen visiting their homes at all hours of the day and night,
armed only with a Bible and a bottle of sacramental red.
Here he would preach the Gospel and offer to lay hands on those who kneeled before
was St Fyodors devotion to the Lord that, at the age of 21, he announced
that hed been called to give up all movement. As part of this devotion he
would sit by the fire in quiet contemplation for months on end, taking no nourishment
save three meals a day plus snacks. At other times he would disappear for long
periods without explanation, returning from his devotions with slurred
and unsteady gait a sign, he claimed, that the Holy Spirit
was dwelling within.
the age of 56 and weighing over 100kg he was arrested by Protestant
militiamen who demanded he denounce his faith or be killed. Fyodor refused,
saying calmly that the Lord would protect him. At this point he was tied to a
tree, whipped, shot with arrows and beheaded. His last words were copra
sanctum (holy shit).
Fyodor was beatified by Pope Paul in 1617, canonized by Pope Gregory XV in 1623
and featured posthumously on an episode of Molvanias This
is YourLife in 1982.
Relics of his underpants can be found at
the Chapel of St Fyodor in Lutenblag.
of the Saints (Vatican University Press)
extract taken from MOLVANIA a land untouched by modern dentistry|